Three Myths of Spontaneity
We love people who seem natural, organic, and spontaneous. Manic pixie dream girls, rebels, and free spirits are romanticized, seen as authentic and something to aspire to. When we think "spontaneous", we think natural, uninhibited, relaxed, unselfconscious, unaffected, easy, open, genuine.
Photo by Becca Tapert
And on the other hand, people who create lists and make plans are stuck with quasi-medical labels like type A, anal, control freak. They're schemers, calculating, inhibited, and simply not cool.
I Have a System for That
It's important to me to stay connected to my friends, neighbours, and colleagues. There a lots of reasons for this, from the practical (people with rich social networks are healthier) to the personal (hanging out with people is one of my favourite activities).
I'm also very forgetful. So much so that I literally forget to see — or even text — my friends. I can isolate myself for days and weeks (even when there's not a pandemic), feeling worse and worse and not realizing why.
So a few years ago, I decided to make a system. I created repeating reminders in my to-do list app for all the people I wanted to stay in touch with, so their names would pop up every week, every few weeks, every couple months — however often seemed to make sense for that person.
And I felt weird about it. Who needs a system to see their friends? Aren't friends important enough that you don't need to remind yourself that you have them and like them? Isn't this a little.... peculiar?
The 3 Myths of Spontaneity
We value spontaneity in all kinds of contexts. Socializing and recreation is one of them — we love the idea of last-minute get-togethers, impromptu vacations, and spontaneous romantic encounters.
Creativity is another area where spontaneity is lauded — people repeat stories about eureka moments, chance encounters, and bolts of inspiration.
We believe three myths about spontaneity:
Important things get done because they're important! If something is important, you'll do it, and conversely, if you don’t do it, it mustn’t have been important.
You’ll create your best work when the muse strikes! Creating when you're inspired leads to better results.
Other people (regular people) don't need structure to do things! It's weird to have to remind yourself to do important things.
None of these things are true.
We can overlook the most important things
Just because something is important, doesn't mean the deeply flawed human brain will remember to do it, or do it easily.
There are over fifty apps on the Apple store to remind users to take their medicine. Medication helps people feel better, prolongs life, or literally keeps people alive. It's surely important, and yet enough people struggle to remember to take it that a cottage industry has arisen out of the need to remind them.
And — I almost hate to use this example because it’s so sad and still a little terrifying to me, even though my babies are now big enough to drive themselves — every year dozens of babies (in the US alone) are forgotten in cars. There’s nothing more important than your own baby, and yet the brain gets distracted, and the worst can happen. And yes, you can buy devices to prevent that, too.
So importance is clearly no guarantee that we will remember to do something.
The muse is fickle
Most serious creators already know that waiting for inspiration is no way to make art. As the (probably apocryphal) quote goes, "I only write when inspiration strikes. Fortunately, it strikes at nine every morning." We know that creativity is born of discipline, habits, and structure.
So why do we think that spontaneity will give a better result when it comes to socializing, looking after pets, or remembering goals?
We don't necessarily have a better time at last-minute gatherings or hastily planned vacations. Food doesn't necessarily taste better if you improvised something instead of using a recipe. Your cat’s not going to appreciate you waiting until the spirit moves you before you feed them.
Waiting for inspiration is no more useful in everyday matters than it is in art.
Even the shiniest people need reminders
Do you ever use checklists? I do. (Surprised? You must be new here.) I especially love checklists for things I don’t do very often, like filing my taxes or making Christmas dinner.
A checklist is almost laughably simple — just a series of steps, usually in order, which, when completed, will lead to a desired result.
Don’t let that simplicity fool you. Two of the most successful applications of the humble checklist are found in aviation and surgery. Pilots and surgeons are trained, certified, and highly competent, and yet the safety and effectiveness of their work is improved measurably by the use of a simple checklist.
The truth is, there isn't some magical kind of person who doesn't need structure to do important things in their life. We all have habits, routines, lists, systems, hacks and tricks that we use to do what we want to do.
If something is important, it’s okay to be weird about it
Humans are fallible — we get distracted, we forget, we have competing commitments which subconsciously pull us away from doing what we value.
Structure is the antidote. If something is important, it's absolutely okay to create structure around it — no matter how awkward, unspontaneous, or weird it seems.
Structure can look like:
making checklists
using a notebook or day planner
using a goal-setting journal
setting aside blocks of time in a calendar to do important things
creating repeating actions in a task app
making standing dates with friends
using apps designed to remind you of specific things, like taking your meds or watering your plants
following daily routines
installing a hook by the front door for your keys
buying only one kind of socks
What works for you will be unique to you, and you have to experiment. But don’t let the fear of being awkward stop you.
The structures that keep me connected
As I said before, connecting with people is really important to me. It's also something that doesn't happen organically.
And so I use a few different structures to stay connected. I discovered an app called Fabriq which you can use to keep track of your friends and when you spoke to them last.
As well as the app, I have regular dates with many friends: my book club meets every two months; my Puzzled Pint crew meets every month. I meet online every month with work friends, and I have coffee with my father-in-law almost every week.
And of course, my Monday Morning Creative Company online co-working group meets every week.
In the future, I'd love to live in a community that's designed for connectedness. Co-housing is the ultimate structure for connection. But in the meantime, if you hear from me on a mysteriously regular schedule, know that it's because I love you enough to keep track of you in an app.